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How to not get your shit stolen.

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I’ve decided to write this in response to the ridiculous number of people I know who have, at one point or another (but most often on a bus in southern Thailand), had their shit stolen. So far I haven’t had any of my shit stolen. Hopefully writing that doesn’t give me bad joo joos resulting in all my shit being stolen…

If you are like me and are quite attached to your shit, if your shit is the shit, then shit, this article is for you.

Rule 1: Don’t be an Idiot.

I thought I’d put this one out there first. There’s no easy way to say this, but if you’re an idiot then you’ll probably do stupid things like keep your iphone in an unlocked bag underneath a bus and carry $700 of cash in your pockets. If you are an idiot then there is no hope for you. Stay home, lock the doors and try not to reproduce. It’s for the best that way. If you’re not an idiot, then read on.

Rule 2: Lock up everything.

When you are buying a bag one of the most important things to consider is how you are going to lock it. You need a bag with metal zips. The fabric zip tags are useless and anyone with a knife can cut them off. Secondly use combination locks. A friend of mine who is not very good at picking locks can open one of those little key padlocks in about two seconds. This is not an exaggeration. They are the easiest locks in the world to pick. Combination locks are much harder and you can’t lose the keys to them on a drunken night out. Also have spare locks in case one breaks. Now that you’ve got your locks, make sure you lock every part of your bag before you get on the bus. Even lock the bag you take on the bus. Which brings me to…

Rule 3: Have (at least) 2 bags.

The big bag is where the majority of your stuff lives. Clothes, books, toothpaste et cetera. This bag goes under the bus or in the luggage compartment on the train or whatever. The second bag should be small. Small enough to carry on to a bus, plane or train and small enough to fit inside a locker. It should also be reasonably innocuous. A plain backpack with metal zips is best. In this bag goes your expensive shit. Your laptop, phone, camera, money belt, passport and gold bullion. Rule 2 still applies here: lock your shit! This bag is with you wherever you go.

Rule 4: Be aware of your personal space.

If someone is getting close to you that you don’t know then assume they’re a thieving little bastard. This goes especially for those cute kids you see on the beach. If anyone gets inside your personal space, regardless of age or cuteness, tell them to fuck off. In crowded markets this is a little harder, obviously.

Rule 5: Manbags/Handbags are easy. Pockets are not.

Keep your money inside a wallet in your pocket. I’ll say that again for the ladies: Keep your money in your pocket. If you don’t have pockets then stash the cash in your bra. It’s ridiculously easy to walk behind someone and rifle through thier bag without them noticing. I’ve done it to my sister-in-law on multiple occasions for shits and giggles. It’s a lot harder to pinch something from somebody’s front pocket without them noticing. If you can get a wallet that chains to your belt loop then do. If you can buy pants with a second pocket inside the first that closes with a zipper then do.

Rule 6: Have 2 bank accounts.

I have 2 bank accounts, one of which can only be accessed via the internet. The account that I can access with my visa card has a maximum of $500 at any time. If someone steals my card they aren’t going to run away with my life savings and I’ll be able to cancel it, get a new one and continue travelling. Internet banking is probably the best thing ever for the traveller. For added security get a USB thumb drive and a portable version of Firefox so you don’t leave behind any information on public computers.

Rule 7: If you can’t afford insurance, you can’t afford to travel.

Plain and simple: Get travel insurance! That way if the worlds best thief still manages to lift your Iphone even after all the above then at least you won’t be out-of-pocket. If you have it use it. You lose your headphones? Claim it! If you get dengue fever in Malaysia and then have to book an early flight home, claim it!


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